10/4/11

Ultimate Nacho may soon be expire

So I shall post the nacho commandments here instead…

The Nacho Commandments

In the beginning, there were chips. Then, there was cheddar. Of course, it didn’t take a nacho scientist to spot the potential that this couple had, and their happy marriage has delighted many a weary burger burnout since.

But like any marriage, the relationship is built upon trust, and this trust is sometimes broken by well-intentioned restaurateurs who suck.

Folks, it’s just this simple:

1. Thou shalt not use deep-fried chips. Deep-fried tortilla chips, that oily-delicious treat served free of charge with salsa at most Mexican joints, has no place in the nacho. Now, I understand how they get there. Mexican restaurant owner thinks “OK, we need a nacho recipe. That requires chips, cheese and other savory morsels. Well, we have a whole bin of time-sensitive chips right here, so let’s get started.”

NO.

Your mistake is natural, but the combination of oily cheese, oily chicken, and oily chips makes a beast that is anything but natural. Like Zen, the perfect nacho combines the yin of greasy meat and cheese with the yang of crisp, absorbent chips, tomatoes, guacamole, et al. You wouldn’t make your nachos with potato chips, would you? As we say at UltimateNacho.com, when “oil meets oil, good nachos are foiled; when oils meets crisp, the taste can’t be eclipsed.” Actually, we will probably never say that again.

2. Thou shalt not microwave thine nachos. You wouldn’t microwave your cat, would you? No, of course you wouldn’t, because the microwave is not the rightful place for a cat. Things that belong in the microwave are soup, water, and frozen dinners. Things that do not belong in the microwave are eggs, cats, and especially, nachos.

Let me explain. You see, when you remove the nachos from the microwave, there is a momentary illusion that time was saved and the nachos are just as delicious as their oven-baked counterpart. But the situation deteriorates faster than Jack Nicholas’ love scene in The Shining. Within five minutes, the nachos, stuck together like a rat to a rattrap, cling to the plate relentlessly. If perchance you possess the Fingers of Life that can pry a nacho free of the mess, the situation remains dire. Chewing begins, and you find that that which you swear to have been previously-chewable tortillas now has all the edibility of cardboard soaked in superglue. Truly, there are no winners when the nacho meets the microwave. Don’t do it.

3. Thou shalt not forget the halfway point. So you avoided the first two nacho no-nos, and now your nachos are at least partially edible. Congratulations! Now is the time when the true soul of your nacho can shine through. But it doesn’t take a seasoned nacho know-it-all to tell you that matters can get messy in a hurry after the nacho façade has been penetrated. Like mom said, it is what’s inside the nacho that counts. Or was that Ron Jeremy? Anyway, don’t be the heartless jerk who births a nacho that is empty inside, with no cheese, meat or beans to present to its committed eater. You’ve gotten your eater to the bridge, now take ‘em home with substance. You don’t need to throw a diamond ring in the middle or nothin’ — just more of the same cheese and meat that got the eater there in the first place.

Three steps. It is all that separates nacho nirvana from nach-oh god please let this madness end.

02/28/11

Dislikes 2011: My PS3

While I do have a smattering of new likes and dislikes to add, I am going to devote this post exclusively to the newest, hottest dislike I have experienced in the last year.  It’s a twofer:

1.  Sony’s PS3 45 minute system updates every other time I want to watch a Netflick

OK I'm not sure that my PS3's bevvy of updates is, technically, proof that it is possessed by demons. But, like demons, these updates are super annoying to have in your home.

2.  iPhone’s obnoxious Terms and Service agreements I have to consent to every other time I want to download an app

PS3 Update.  I think that these have merited their place as profoundly heinous because of the frequency of the updates, combined with my strong suspicion that management at Sony has a backdoor around these updates, otherwise they couldn’t possibly tolerate them…could they?  Seriously, you sit down, you are all ready to watch a movie, except…oh wait…you now have to wait 45 minutes to watch the movie so your system can download & install random BS version 1.2.4b.  To re-purpose a recent oatmeal comic, I need a new Sony update like a need a new asshole on my forehead.  Please, Sony, before you foist your updates on an installed user base of millions, put yourself in our shoes.  Go through the update yourself.  Ask if there is anything you would rather be doing with your life than waiting for a 45 minute download+install process.  Do the math and realize how you are going to single-handedly drag down our country’s GDP.  Our lead over China is becoming more tenuous every day, and occupying several million of our young able-minded population with the accumulation of your wretched system updates might just be straw that breaks our country’s back, leading us into a new age of famine and darkness.  I can’t prove those exact events will happen.  But every time my PS3 tells me it wants to update, I feel a little more certain that Sony is bent on destroying puppies, cinnamon rolls, and freedom.

iPhone ToS.  Apple is a lesser evil, because their T&S only take a minute or two to complete, as opposed to Sony’s 30-45 minute updates.  But they are just about as frequent, and they are worse than Sony in that they are utterly pointless (in my professional legal opinion).  Can’t they just write up an contract like the one I signed before I went skydiving?  I’m thinking something along the lines of  “this phone may or may not, intentionally or unintentionally, kill you, take all of the money from your bank account, and screw your wife.”  Sure.  Fine.  Whatever.  Let’s just stop this charade where you pretend like anybody has ever read the 11,000 page legal doc you force us to agree to every couple weeks, m’kay?

 

01/29/10

Likes & Dislikes: 2009 v2

Until the release of my ballyhooed "Likes & Dislikes" RSS feed, I guess we’re just going to have to keep you updated in piecemeal fashion.

Newest Likes
Big storms
The Onion & South Park (when they’re on their game… al la this)
Dowels
Radio towers
Moving airport walkways
Being right all along

Newest Dislikes
People telling me to smile (except in case of picture)
Sirens
Intermittent problems
Typing out file paths
Sticky hands that get other things sticky
French fries under car seats
Stuff for sale that doesn’t tell its price

Stay tuned for the 2010 version, coming in just 12 short months or sooner if you behave.

03/17/09

New Additions to Like & Dislike Lists

Newly added "likes"
Tying back to the original point
Ale houses
Mushy cards
Walking on new snow
Driving over steaming sewers at night
Those who speak concisely (mostly lawyers)
Half-hearted attempts to insert personality into a lifeless workplace
Driving very fast
Pulling the tips off of sword ferns

Newly added "dislikes"
Romantic movies where current lover used as a device to make new lover improbable
Shoes that require hands to put on
Unjust drivers
Language more complex than it needs to be (mostly scientists)
Trying to use end of soap bar after it has broken in half

I need an RSS feed!

04/1/08

Dislike List v 2.0

It’s been a good six months since we visited my list of things I don’t like, and the list has probably doubled since then.  In my defense, my list of things I do like has roughly doubled as well, but I thought I’d throw out the new version to see if I can get anyone else to start their own list yet.

Things I dislike v 2.0
Button fly
Spare threads between my toes
Meetings lasting > 15 minutes
Telephone calls
Complainers that don’t act
Smell of hands after taking off rubber gloves
Finding out I’ve been going the wrong direction during traffic jam
Having too many things for too little space
Checking in before leaving work
Bike switching gears on its own while riding up a hill
Programming without a debugger
The expressions “Made a funny,” “Shoot an email,” “Alpha dog,” and “Weekend warrior”
Unlabeled streets
Cords by my feet
Top loading printers
Dockable windows
Getting splashed back by urinals when wearing shorts
Hearing itches get scratched
Rolling in my own vomit
Doing important things half-assed
The sound of people eating
That Windows takes 45 seconds to delete a mother fucking file
People who don’t understand the concept of “center turn lane”
Overzealous application of the terms “racist” and “sexist”
Uncertainty in the form of health or money concerns
People attached to their stuff
HR
Mail
Other people’s agendas
Milk dribbling down chin while eating cereal
Text editors that fuck up tabs and spaces
Those who walk one direction while looking another
Fixing bugs on projects months after they’ve ended
Having my finger crack in my ear
Prerequisite subtasks
Most software features labeled “smart ___”
Songs with lyrics about “lords”
Companies that steal my sayings for their ad campaigns (woo hoo, i’m lovin it)

Shucks, does this make me an intolerant person?