Bird of Prey of the Day: Osprey

Today will begin a new era at Thoughts, as we install the first in an ongoing series entitled “Bird of Prey of the Day.”  Our goal is to deliver overdue recognition to the winged, silent death that hovers above us daily.  We hope you discover that, while many of these birds have well-earned a reputation as soulless destroyers, they are also fathers, mothers, and hard workers — just like many of us.  Not to mention that they are capable of flight, which is something I think we all aspire to at some level.   So, could we really be that different from a killer like..

The Osprey

This osprey has a regal charm

I want you to hold out your left hand in front of you.  I want you to extend it until it’s right in front of your monitor, and then cover up the word “Osprey” in the title of this blog (so you can still see the bird, but not the word “Osprey” above it).  Then, cover up this paragraph, which mentions the “osprey” repeatedly, and answer this simple question:

Do you even know what type of bird a Seahawk is? Your favorite football team? What kind of bird is it? You have no. idea. You’ve followed the Seahawks for 20 years, and you can’t even name the bird your team embodies.

Very sharp beak belies the creature’s intentions

But that ends today.

The answer is… wait for it.

You’re never going to guess.

The answer is… the osprey!

You may put your hand down now.

Without doubt, this bird means business. You hope that the bird will live a peaceful life in a lightly sociopathic career, like personal injury attorney or insurance adjuster. 

But get real. This bird is a killer. It will not rest until it ends the life of an innocent fish or rodent. FUN FACT: In its 10 year lifespan, this bird will go on to kill more fish than all American serial killers put together. Which is itself a scary thought, can you imagine what would happen if you left Bundy and Gacy alone together with a barrel of defenseless fish?

When you check out the talons on an osprey, you understand this is not the bird you want to piss off. For comparison sake, consider that Jill was dive-bombed+hit in the head by an angry owl —  an owl that looks probably 1000x less deadly than the OG seahawk.

I’d take this owl to dinner at grandmas. If an osprey had a bone to pick with Jill, it would’ve swooped down, decapitated her, and tossed her corpse three football fields-length. Right through the uprights.

As of press time, there have been no verified reports of osprey exhibiting this particular behavior.

But multiplication has been verified over the course of centuries, and the maximum ferocity of an owl is well-established.  Inferring the damage that an osprey could potentially inflict upon an innocent victim makes one wonder: is this really a bird that we should celebrating every fall Sunday?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *